Warman Writes About Sex

By Laura Warman

WHAT IS SEX?? 

Many people have questions about what sex is, but it isn’t always easy to get good advice! Here is some good advice! Last time I had sex it was on the stairs. Can you believe it? Have you ever had sex in a bathroom? I have, just while I was sitting on a sink. I let my legs hang on either side of the sink. How did I not break the sink? Have you ever broken a sink? I thought I had broken my sink in my new house because I often cannot stand in the morning so I lean all of my body weight against the sink. I lean so hard I lean so forward. My hipbone feels nice with the pressure from the cold ceramic. What are sinks made of? My sink feels hard and cold. Have you ever felt hard & cold? Hard things don’t always feel cold… Sometimes when I turn on my sink the water comes out so fast it pools at the bottom of the basin. Liquid mixed with hair and- look at it- the clogged sink. What clogs a sink? Can I ever release everything that is stuck? Sometimes I turn on my sink too hot! Have you ever felt anything that hot? I put my hand in the water and just like that I have to remove it. I want the water so bad but I can’t have it- not like that.

Some people birth in the water. The water fills with everything- shit, blood, placenta. This seems like the best way to give birth. Is birth sex? Sometimes women have orgasms when they are giving birth so it is sex too. Pop that cherry!  Kim Kardashian probably did not orgasm while birthing because she probably did not give birth vaginally because the baby was five weeks early, weighing five pounds. In Kanye West’s album Yeezus on the track ”Bound 2” he states ”How you gon’ be mad on vacation” and ”Got a fresh cut straight out the salon, bitch” and ”I’m tired, you tired, Jesus wept”. Most important is the line, ”I wanna fuck you hard on the sink/ After that, give you something to drink/ Step back, can’t get spunk on the mink/ I mean damn, what would Jeromey Romey Romey think?” Kanye West not only has a thing for fucking hard (look back to his tweet: ”I just fucked Kim so hard”) but has a thing for sinks. In his 2010 album ”My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” he says, ”Been a long time since I spoke to you/ In a bathroom ripping you up fucking and choking you” later in his collaboration album with Jay-Z ”Watch the Throne” Kanye West states ”Meet me in the bathroom stall/ And show me why you deserve to have it all”. What is it about the sink? What is it about the bathroom?

In the morning my sink is often my first feeling of the erotic. Are some sinks more erotic than others? I was reading Dwell magazine the other day it was talking about bathroom sinks and they said ”The sink, designed to be undermounted, was overmounted to expose its similarly unfinished edge”. Holy shit! That might be the most erotic thing I have ever read. Enough to make me lean against the cash register at work on my tip-toes and rub a lil. It’s hard to even get wet at work! Maybe I will transfer departments.

HOW CAN I PRACTICE SAFE SEX?? 

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

No sex is safe sex!

HOW DID FOUCAULT HAVE SEX?

It’s Sunday at 7:54 in the morning and I’m trying to think about sex. I’m trying to think about sex the whole day. There was a Super Moon last night that coincided with the beginning of my period, which made me feel lucky, like I really am connected. As I slept I let myself bleed on my legs, the blanket, the mattress. I got up to pee and I was covered in blood- my hands, my thighs, my butt. It feels good to just bleed as I imagine it could feel in Womanity past in the Red Tent. I want another red tent- I want women to unite over something. I want to be bloody and naked with others and finally have enough time to address issues like Capitalism/ Homebirth/ Drones. When I get out of bed everything smells like blood. It was 89 degrees last night- everything is blood and heat. I will not use the word ”Primal”. When I have sex I want to do it with my eyes open.

HOW CAN I HAVE SEX? 

Many people have questions about how to have sex, but it isn’t always easy to get good advice! Here is some good advice! Oral sex: This includes fellatio(!) where the penis is stimulated by the partner’s mouth, and cunnilingus(!), where the vagina receives oral stimulation! Masturbation means touching yourself in order to feel sexual pleasure! Since you’re doing it by yourself, there’s no risk of pregnancy or STD – making masturbation the safest form of sex there is! Sex is really not that hard to do! I heard from a college professor that it might be easier the dumber you are! Could that be true? I don’t think it is true. I have a lot of smart friends and they all seem pretty good at sex. I have friends who are PHD students, MFA students, Bachelor of Arts students, and even some friends with office jobs! All of them I think qualify as smart. Not all of them have sex. Some of them have sex with women, some of them have sex with men, some of them have sex with machines. The smartest ones are the ones who have sex with machines. Having sex with the machine is the best thing anyone could do! You wont have the risk of STDs and you can REALLY focus on yourself. You don’t even have to clean your machine unless you really want to. Some people, when having sex with a machine, look at photos on Facebook of their friends in bikinis at the beach. I choose to focus on myself instead! I am so beautiful! My body is so soft- who do I keep it soft for? Myself! My bush is so big-always growing! Sometimes I focus on my hip bone. For my size I have surprisingly wide hips- so wide but still containing a small hole (& not a butt hole!!!). Does anyone remember the culture wars? Why aren’t people still afraid of Catholics? I have a lot of smart friends but none of them are afraid of Catholics! We even went to mass on Christmas Eve just for fun and didn’t feel anything strong.

 FOUCAULT & SEX 

Alive or dead. I am Googling Foucault and someone on their website just called the theories of Foucault ”fruity”. FOUCAULT WENT TO SUICIDE PARTIES FOUCAULT WENT TO ORGIES I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A SUICIDE PARTY WHAT can I expect to find at my first suicide party how can I get invited to my first suicide party? Will it be like my first sex party? Will people desire to discuss Foucault? Will this ever reach more than ten pages? Ten pages tomorrow when I wake up? Ten pages Friday? Ten pages by Friday says the editor who is me on Mondays. Only have I ever Only have I ever been a virgin once.

 THE MORNING AFTER 

At Walgreens Pharmacy on Penn Circle in East Liberty, Pittsburgh, generic Plan B costs $44.99.

At the Rite-Aid on Forbes Avenue in Oakland, Pittsburgh generic Plan B costs $39.99.

SEX MACHINES

Strong feelings are the best feelings to have in the morning. Strong feelings are the best feelings to have at night. Strong feelings when I sit beside you, in front of you or on top of you. Strong feelings age twenty in women’s studies class reading ”How to fuck a fat woman”. Strong feelings when meeting your son. Strong feelings while walking down Highland Avenue on the summer solstice, which is the hottest day of the year so far. I have strong feelings when I wake up strong feelings in the afternoon. I thought I just saw John Goodman’s dick on the television and I couldn’t remember if John Goodman was alive or dead. Sometimes I have strong feelings but most of the time you look hotter on Twitter.

WHAT I WANT

Time and time again I think ”What do I want?” I really have no answer! I can tell you what I don’t want! I don’t want at the poetry reading all the men to talk about their dicks and the women to say they ”finally reached climax like a flower opening in the spring” or ”I found myself slowly awakening- the feeling of you brought tears to my eyes”.  

WOMEN & WOMEN IN POETRY: Let’s fuck let’s fuck let’s penetrate let’s do it gently if we want or fuck with hate. Let’s question why Justin Timberlake won the BET award but care more about why Miley Cyrus can do that but not do that. Let’s question why we must be grouped together constantly as ”women”. Let’s fuck everyone because it actually doesn’t matter. In one month I fucked everyone who lived in four rooms in one house and we are all still friends. WOMEN POETS: WE ARE NOT THE MORE SENSITIVE GENDER WE ARE NOT automatically connected to those we fuck. We can have bad sex and good sex. We can wear short skirts without having to explain slut-positive behavior. We can refuse to use metaphor because metaphor is the tool of the hegemonic white male poet. FUCK Longfellow, FUCK Wordsworth, FUCK Keats. We do not need to search for beauty because we are not beautiful. Beauty is nothing but a tool of the patriarch capitalist to achieve stasis and disconnect from those who threaten its’ power.

Metaphor is just a tool to make The Reader believe in correct answers. Historically, metaphors imply a correct referent. As Women, from birth, we are gendered as multiplicities: slut/ virgin, straight/ queer, mother/ maid, natural/ controlled. These dualities become identities constantly obfuscated through the male gaze. Why continue allowing the male gaze/ metaphor define identity. End metaphors, create personal identities. The Reader will only understand their perspective, why bother continuing the bewilderment through metaphor. Tonight I am going to fuck her in a specific order. I am going to kiss her. I will ask her before I kiss her. I will take off her shirt. I will ask her before I take her shirt off. She will take my shirt off. She will ask first. She will touch me. We will use protection. She will hit me after I ask her too. When we are done we will talk about what went right and what went wrong. We will shake hands. I will leave that night or in the morning. I will not write about it. I will not use a metaphor- I will say we fucked. I will not say the word ”Dick”- even as a grotesque expression of female sexuality.

I will say cunt. I will not say I got ”wet” because it is not wetness exactly. It is plasma seepage from the vaginal walls. It is more basic and less acidic than semen. It contains water, pyridine, squalene, urea, acetic acid, lactic acid, complex alcohols and glycols, ketones and aldehydes. It varies in taste texture, acidity, and odor depending on menstrual cycle, arousal, diet, and drugs. There are no metaphors for women’s sexuality. White Canadian Robin Thicke says ”I love black music” on the 2013 BET Awards. There are no metaphors for this. Women: others are constantly defining us through slippages, through metaphors. I am taking control of self-identity, which is the only thing I control. My sexuality is fluid. My fluid is sexual. I teared up today I will tear up tomorrow. We cannot deny Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus. We cannot explain the difference but we can allow for individual perspective locating personage to fame. As a poet, I am welcoming you into my identity. I am not hiding self from you I am asking you to play the most important role—The Reader.

At the last poetry reading 3/6 performers were men. At the last poetry reading 3/6 performers were women. Out of the 3 woman-identified performers none of them spoke about their dicks or vaginas in clear terms. Why must this continue? Why must female sexuality be a confused metaphor? Why must female sexuality continue to be identified as complex/ layered? Metaphors only encourage this attitude! End the patriarch! End the metaphor!

Originally published by Queen Mob's Teahouse.


Awst Collection - Laura Warman
5.00

Laura Warman's Awst Collection in print. Hand sewn. Contains Warman Talks Sex and Fall of the Body, and was nominated for a 2016 Pushcart Prize.